Humor & Poems Related to Clocks & Cuckoos
.               and those who work on them
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                   The funniest question I've had yet!

Dear Papa,  Since you are from Tennessee do you wear shoes when you work on cuckoo clocks?

My Answer:  No, but in the winter I wear socks when I can find them.  My wife keeps using them to polish our moonshine still!


The Lawyers Clock
After his death, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a
different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.

After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does
each clock move at a different speed?"

"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.

"What's your second question?"

"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'lawyers' clock?"

The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he
muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere"

Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We
keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."

Speaking clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's 2 AM!"


The Crazy Old Sea Captain
There was this crazy old sea captain who retired from the sea; he bought a little white house on top of a hill
overlooking a small seaside village and lived there all alone. He converted the windows to portholes and the
stairways to ladders, scraped the rust off everything and had it ship-shape in every way. Out in the yard he
mounted a small cannon, which he fired off to sea every day at precisely noon. He associated with nobody
except the lad who brought him groceries and other things from the village, and even then he mostly hauled
the basket up to his window with a rope and pulley. He had a peg leg, of course, but didn't make much of it,
since he wore good long canvas pants at all times. He spent much of his time with his glass, looking out
towards the horizon for passing ships, and sometimes studying the village, too. He got to know all the streets
and shops, and even many of the people as they passed in and out: those who bought pork chops and those
who bought lamb, and what kind of hats and gloves they bought and where. One shop in particular was
important to him, the shop of the watchmaker, who sold clocks and repaired them, and had a large clock
hanging outside (a real one, showing the time, hanging from two heavy chains) as his sign. It was by this clock
that the sea-captain set his own watch, for in the days of which I tell, radio and television had not yet been
invented.
So that while the villagers did not know the sea captain, he knew them, and one day he decided to go down
and have a closer look. He went to the butcher, the shoemaker, the baker and the dry-goods store. Nobody
knew him and he didn't tell. When he went to the watchmaker's he spent some time looking at the displays and
asking some technical questions about the tools and such. Then he asked how the watchmaker set the time on
his clocks, and the man said, "Well, there's this crazy old sea captain who lives up on that hill there, and every
day exactly at noon he fires off this cannon. . . . . . . .

Joe bought an old clock at a flea market. A couple of days later he went back to the merchant and complained
that the clock was losing 15 minutes every hour.    “Didn’t you see the sign?” the merchant asked. “It said ‘25%
off."

A suburbanite in New Jersey was moving from one street to another. Observing with dismay the care-free way
in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from
possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly. Taking the clock up in his arms he started
for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every
few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden to his heaving bosom
and staggered on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination when
an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of
a halt to hail him. "Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"   "What is it?" demanded the pestered
suburbanite.  "Why in thunder don't you carry a watch?"

A watchmaker is someone who doesn't charge extra for working over time!

A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?" The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no
watch."  The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

Setting the clock by the whistle
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call
from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the
regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I
call you to get the exact time."  The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been
setting our clock by your whistle!


Q: How can you tell if a clock is hungry?                              Q: How do you know if your clock is crazy?   
A: It’ll go back for seconds!                                                  A: It goes "cuckoo"!


Q: What did the digital clock say to the mother clock?         Q: What dog always knows the time?
A: Look mom, no hands!                                                      A: A watch dog!


Q: What happens when you annoy a clock?                        Q: What kind of bugs live in clocks?
A: It gets ticked off.                                                               A: Ticks!


Q: What time was it when the elephant sat on the clock?     Q: Why didn’t the clock work?
A: Time to get a new clock!                                                   A: It needed a hand!       

Q: Why did the clock scratch?                                                                                                                  
A: Because it had ticks!  

Q: Why did the girl sit on her watch?
A: She wanted to be on time!  

Q:Why did the girl throw the clock out the window?
A: Because she wanted to see time fly!  


Cuckoo Clock
One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the
hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in
his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made
the guy feel even better.  She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why is that?" he asked.    "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, darn," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, tripped over the cat, and then farted."
Cuckoo Clock Doctor